“I may never be happy, but tonight I am content. Nothing more than an empty house, the warm hazy weariness from a day spent setting strawberry runners in the sun, a glass of cool sweet milk, and a shallow dish of blueberries bathed in cream. Now I know how people can live without books, without college. When one is so tired at the end of a day one must sleep, and at the next dawn there are more strawberry runners to set, and so one goes on living, near the earth. At times like this I’d call myself a fool to ask for more…”—
I’m terrified that I’m starting to forget them. I feel like I can’t remember what Melissa’s voice or Ashley’s laugh sounds like. I feel like my memory of that snow day in high school when I almost crashed my dad’s van into a parking meter at the hospital with Ashley is fuzzy, and I keep forgetting things that happened the last day I saw Melissa, when I had to pick up groceries for her and help her fix up her apartment.
I know this is part of the grieving process….being hesitant to move forward because you’re scared that you’ll eventually forget them and all that fun bullshit. But still…it sucks. It really, really sucks. and just when I’m starting to feel okay again, it hits. I finally started feeling like I’m emotionally back on track and bam! somehow the world has to remind me that two of the main people in my life died this year and three more are terminally ill.
It just sucks. That’s all I’m gonna say.
On a more positive note, I drank 4 cups of tea in the past hour and I don’t regret it as single bit. I’m sure my bladder does though….
“When things break, it’s not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It’s because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn’t fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed.”—
You carved our initials into these family trees When the branches are bare and broken Love is so hard to reach, oh We’ve learned to brace for the worst And to … to read the last pages first Surrender feels safe
Maybe the soul is the soil that holds the fallen seed Or the light pouring down In between the rain clouds daring life to reach Maybe it’s the rings in the trunk of the tree A birthmark time will leave to measure the past, oh
We can’t dream when we’re wide awake Or fall in love with a heart too strong to break Faith is expensive to taste And time … time is borrowed loose change That’s already been spent
Maybe the soul is the tone of voice That unearthed the words that we needed Maybe the soul is a suitcase that holds the backup plan A collection of keys and the patience we need to start again Maybe it’s the thresholds that swallow us whole As we learn to let go in spite of the dirt on our clothes